Manners Matter

On our most recent trip to Cape Cod, it seems like we spent more time in restaurants than we did on the beach. Being face to face with each other across a small table a few times each day brought a different meal dynamic to our family. Having the kids across from me, as opposed to next to me around our little kitchen island at home, was like putting a magnifying glass on their table manners. It was a significant reminder that I’ve been slacking-off in the etiquette department.
Every parent knows how chaotic meals can be. At my house we juggle meals around sports schedules, or I feed the kids early while I wait to eat with Big J; and often, even though we dine together, I simply focus on my own plate because by the time we sit down I’m tired, famished and ready for some relaxing conversation. Yes, I noticed at the restaurant when the food arrived and both kids started eating while their napkins remained neatly folded on the table, some basic manners were lacking.
The key, I decided, was to remind C and Lil’J how to behave at the table without ruining the meal. “Napkins,” I said in a singsong voice, and immediately they were snapped open and placed appropriately. “Drinks stay at the top right of your plate,” I reminded as I gently rearranged the table. Meal after meal I spoke sweetly through grinding teeth as I a prompted the young diners: “don’t reach across the table, ask the person next to you to pass,” or, “place your knife at the top of your plate, not back on the table,” and the worst, “no double-dipping your bread into the olive oil.” I tried to be nonchalant, and nag nicely. As the week progressed, I definitely saw some improvement.
Spending seven days together highlighted even more than manners, I started to notice gaffs in the grammar department as well. And to me, grammar is really a form of verbal etiquette. For example, Lil’J has a habit of putting himself first in a sentence. “Me, Tom, Dick and Harry went down town,” he’ll say as he launches into a story. The thing is, I do want to hear his story. Any time my 13 year-old wants to share what he’s doing with his friends, it is a rare and wonderful treat! So, rather than interrupt him, I made a few mental grammar notes as the week passed.
On the drive home I decided to broach the manners subject. “You know,” I started, “manners do really matter.” My husband joined in and we explained that how a person speaks and behaves socially has great impact. I told the story of a boyfriend who had such bad grammar I was afraid to introduce him to my parents, and I eventually broke up with him (true story!) Big J talked about business dinners when adults chewed with their mouths open or talked with food in their mouths. I specifically told Lil’J that he has to put himself last in a sentence, and that he has to pay attention to using “me” or “I” at the end. The kids listened politely. I wasn’t sure if any of it stuck.
A few weeks later, we found ourselves at IHOP on a back to school shopping break. As we were receiving the check the waiter stopped and said, “You may think this is weird, but I just want to congratulate you on what a great job you’re doing raising these kids.” He continued, “I deal with a lot of children, and yours were extremely polite, and have wonderful manners.” Can you even imagine how proud I was at that moment? Okay, I know I still have to constantly remind the kids about proper etiquette, but it was nice to get some encouragement.
So here are a few manners tips from me, and a link to more information from Etiquette Expert, Kelly Solway, because manners really do matter!

Don’t nag or interrupt your kids about manners or grammar, they will stop listening. Rather, have specific conversations at a later time when no one is defensive.

Find a signal you can give your children to remind them of their manners in public. For example, I point to my chin if one of my kids is chewing with his or her mouth open.

Find ways to make it fun. Start a meal every now and then by saying, “Let’s use our best manners tonight!” And, don’t forget to ask, “Please pass the Grey Poupon,” with a snobby English accent.

Check out Kelly Solway’s web site for more etiquette info: oneetiquetteplace