Happy Anniversary to Us!

Having lunch today with my daughter I mentioned that her Dad and I are coming up on our 15th Wedding Anniversary. She became quiet for a moment and asked, “Ummm…am I supposed to get you something?”
“No.” I told her. “But maybe when you’re an adult you can send us a card or something.”
“Good,” she responded with relief, “because I don’t have anything planned.”
“Join the club,” I wanted to say. “I don’t have a plan yet either.”
This year, I’m at a complete loss over what to do for our anniversary. 15 years seems like it should be a big deal, but for the life of me, I can’t come up with a good idea.
Big J and I agreed we can’t escape on a romantic getaway because we both have travel plans (separately) for the following weekend. I’m going to a High School reunion, and Big J has his annual kayak trip with the guys. We could go out to dinner, but we do that often enough that it wouldn’t really be a big deal. Neither of us feels like we “need” anything, so even a present seems like overkill. Sure, he’ll probably get me some flowers, but what do I get him? What is the male equivalent of receiving flowers? (And don’t say candy because he doesn’t eat much sugar.)
I don’t mean to be blasé about our anniversary but I keep coming up empty handed. When I stand in front of the rack of cards at the pharmacy, none of them really capture the essence of our marriage, and the funny cards (maybe it’s just me) have a bit of a negative undertone. Yes, I will eventually pick out a card, or write a nice one. But, is that it? A card?
So, as of now, I’m leaning toward a quiet evening at home with a nice dinner and a good bottle of wine. Am I totally boring and uncreative? Is this a reflection on my marriage, or on my level of effort in this relationship?
I guess I’ll take the positive view and believe that all I really need to celebrate my 15th Wedding Anniversary is my husband. After 15 years, maybe the “gift” we give each other is just the comfort and ease of our relationship, and an acknowlegement…Happy Anniversary to Us!

A Poll: How long were you together before you were married? We were together for 4 years and I say that’s a long time. Big J says 3 years is average. What about you?

Politics in the Home

I have to admit, I’m trying to remain emotionally uninvolved in the Presidential race this year. I know who I like, but I’d prefer not to talk politics with my friends and acquaintances because I know from past election years that we don’t always agree. Political discussions hardly ever change anyone’s mind, but they often give me unwanted insight into worldviews that I find confounding and completely at odds with my own beliefs. So, this year I’m vowing to keep my mouth shut and not to get caught up in the debate.

As a 6th grade tutor at the local elementary school, I saw the passion of politics played out at a very young age. Last year, 11 and 12-year-old students would debate in class or even on the playground about candidates in the presidential primaries. I noticed that instead of explaining why they liked a candidate, many of the kids simply delivered negative sound bytes about each other’s candidates that were most likely parroted from their parents. “Everyone hates Hillary Clinton and she’ll divide this country even more.” Or, “Barak Obama has no experience and could never be president.” Or, “McCain is so old, he’s out of touch with the country.” The tone the kids used was reminiscent of the childhood arguments, “My (Dad, Dog, toy, etc) is better than yours.” I began to wonder, is this negative candidate bashing human nature, or is this a learned behavior?

After listening to the kids, it was easier to detect the same whiney, childish tone in my own defense of candidates. I started to noticed that adults while we weren’t parroting our parents anymore (in fact some of us had grown into our own political beliefs) we were mostly parroting whatever news source we happened to be partial to – whether FOX, NPR, the Boston Globe or Herald, etc. Yes, adults do think on a more complex level than children, but the negativity and the “my candidate’s better than yours” sentiments still seep into the debates. Believe me, I’m as guilty of this as anyone.

So, I decided to try to keep my mouth shut this year. And, as for the kids, Big J and I decided to record both Obama’s and McCain’s speeches. Tonight we’re going to watch both speeches as a family, and Big J and I are going to try not to editorialize. Our job as parents is not to indoctrinate, but to help our children get primary source information and come to their own conclusions. I may even let Big J answer most of their questions this year because he is much better at keeping an emotional distance from the quagmire of political negativity than I. The question for me is, can I keep my mouth shut?

How do you talk to your kids about politics? Here are some links to good articles about talking to your kids about politics.

Elephants, Donkeys and the Media, Oh My! Talking to Kids About Politics

Carpooling with Barack Obama

How to Talk Politics with Your Kids
A Jewish Perspective

Facebook

When I first joined Facebook, my friend Dave wrote, “Welcome to another great way to waste time.” Boy, was he right! I’m addicted. I am now in touch with friends and acquaintances from my High School and College, not to mention my co-workers from jobs I left long ago.
On Facebook, the term “Friend” is used loosely, but it’s sort of exciting. People I know invite me to be their “friend,” and if I recognize a name on someone’s profile, I can invite them to be “friends.” We don’t necessarily have to email or even talk to each other, though it’s convenient if you do want to check in, or give someone a hard time about the Yankees, etc. There’s a little bit of a thrill when I ask someone to be a friend – will they say “yes,” or will they ignore me? Socially, I’ve had to put myself out there in a way I haven’t for a long time, even though it’s only a cyber request and not a real, face-to-face, awkward, “Will you be my friend?”
Facebook is at the top of my checklist when I sit down at my computer. If I click on my “friends,” many of them have listed their “status” and I can see what everyone is up to. For example, I know that Dain is golfing today, Maria went to a concert last night, and Matt is home working in his PJ’s. I can also see photos of my friend’s families, which I love! I know Facebook has been around for a while, but I think it’s the coolest thing since … umm…yogurt in a tube!
A word of warning: if you have a teenager, your Facebook worlds may collide. As I was looking for “friends” in my hometown, I came across a few of Lil’J’s friends, mostly girls. Of course they were lying about their ages because they’re too young to have a Facebook page, but some of the pictures were a bit questionable as well. No, I didn’t ask them to be my friends. (Though I have heard of parents who create false identities to spy on the kids.) Also, I almost joined a group titled “Everything you want to know about Marblehead,” until I realized it was a group of high school kids – my photo might be a bit out of place there.
So, maybe Facebook started as a place for college and high school students to network. Let me tell you, it’s pretty fun for a 45 year-old, too! Just make sure you add some extra time to your day, get up ½ hour earlier or something.
PS – If you want to join Facebook, I’ll be your friend.

Manners Matter

On our most recent trip to Cape Cod, it seems like we spent more time in restaurants than we did on the beach. Being face to face with each other across a small table a few times each day brought a different meal dynamic to our family. Having the kids across from me, as opposed to next to me around our little kitchen island at home, was like putting a magnifying glass on their table manners. It was a significant reminder that I’ve been slacking-off in the etiquette department.
Every parent knows how chaotic meals can be. At my house we juggle meals around sports schedules, or I feed the kids early while I wait to eat with Big J; and often, even though we dine together, I simply focus on my own plate because by the time we sit down I’m tired, famished and ready for some relaxing conversation. Yes, I noticed at the restaurant when the food arrived and both kids started eating while their napkins remained neatly folded on the table, some basic manners were lacking.
The key, I decided, was to remind C and Lil’J how to behave at the table without ruining the meal. “Napkins,” I said in a singsong voice, and immediately they were snapped open and placed appropriately. “Drinks stay at the top right of your plate,” I reminded as I gently rearranged the table. Meal after meal I spoke sweetly through grinding teeth as I a prompted the young diners: “don’t reach across the table, ask the person next to you to pass,” or, “place your knife at the top of your plate, not back on the table,” and the worst, “no double-dipping your bread into the olive oil.” I tried to be nonchalant, and nag nicely. As the week progressed, I definitely saw some improvement.
Spending seven days together highlighted even more than manners, I started to notice gaffs in the grammar department as well. And to me, grammar is really a form of verbal etiquette. For example, Lil’J has a habit of putting himself first in a sentence. “Me, Tom, Dick and Harry went down town,” he’ll say as he launches into a story. The thing is, I do want to hear his story. Any time my 13 year-old wants to share what he’s doing with his friends, it is a rare and wonderful treat! So, rather than interrupt him, I made a few mental grammar notes as the week passed.
On the drive home I decided to broach the manners subject. “You know,” I started, “manners do really matter.” My husband joined in and we explained that how a person speaks and behaves socially has great impact. I told the story of a boyfriend who had such bad grammar I was afraid to introduce him to my parents, and I eventually broke up with him (true story!) Big J talked about business dinners when adults chewed with their mouths open or talked with food in their mouths. I specifically told Lil’J that he has to put himself last in a sentence, and that he has to pay attention to using “me” or “I” at the end. The kids listened politely. I wasn’t sure if any of it stuck.
A few weeks later, we found ourselves at IHOP on a back to school shopping break. As we were receiving the check the waiter stopped and said, “You may think this is weird, but I just want to congratulate you on what a great job you’re doing raising these kids.” He continued, “I deal with a lot of children, and yours were extremely polite, and have wonderful manners.” Can you even imagine how proud I was at that moment? Okay, I know I still have to constantly remind the kids about proper etiquette, but it was nice to get some encouragement.
So here are a few manners tips from me, and a link to more information from Etiquette Expert, Kelly Solway, because manners really do matter!

Don’t nag or interrupt your kids about manners or grammar, they will stop listening. Rather, have specific conversations at a later time when no one is defensive.

Find a signal you can give your children to remind them of their manners in public. For example, I point to my chin if one of my kids is chewing with his or her mouth open.

Find ways to make it fun. Start a meal every now and then by saying, “Let’s use our best manners tonight!” And, don’t forget to ask, “Please pass the Grey Poupon,” with a snobby English accent.

Check out Kelly Solway’s web site for more etiquette info: oneetiquetteplace

Talking to Teens

Lil’J barely waits ‘til he’s out of the car from our week long family vacation before running off with his friends. He’d texted them before we’d even pulled into town. I’m surprised they weren’t waiting for us in our driveway – leaning on their bikes, wearing their shorts down to their knees, below grubby, stretched out t-shirts and turned around baseball caps. What a motley welcoming committee of 13-year-old boys they would be!

Lil'J dropped his duffel bag and said, “Gotta go!” He’s a busy boy, but a good boy; he checks in. And, I always call the house he’s going to, making sure the parents are home. Even better, he’ll have his gang at our house. Still, I feel like I never see him.
Recently, I picked Lil’J up after he visited family friends for a few days. I knew I’d have at least an hour with him, alone in the car. I was looking forward to some catch-up time. I wanted to touch base with him on a deeper level than we’d reached in our recent “Hi what’s for dinner can Sam sleep over have you seen my phone charger when will you be off the computer?” conversations. I wanted to find out what was really on his mind.

So as we drove I thought carefully about what topics to bring up. I could ask him about girls…but he hates it when I do that and he’s barely seen any girls over the summer anyway. Lil’J fiddles endlessly with the radio. He listens incessantly to RAP, and he knows to change the station if the lyrics are overtly sexual. He changes the station a lot. I could ask him if he’s nervous about going away to camp. But then if he’s not nervous he might start to get nervous…nah, we’ve talked enough about camp. He nods his head to the rhythm and sings to the backup melody. I could ask him what ever happened to that kid he was friends with… Ron. I’d heard he got into some trouble and was hanging with a different crowd. No, why bring it up when I’m not trying to encourage that friendship?

“Mom?” Lil’J asked with a serious voice. I knew it, if you shut up for long enough, your teen will open up to you. He’ll tell you what’s on his mind, his hopes, fears, dreams and desires. The experts were right!

“Yes?” I responded, with a motherly smile.

“If you have a job, and the boss calls in sick, does everyone get to go home?” he asked.
I had to giggle. Well, at least he’s thinking about the future. Then I told Lil’J about the summer I painted houses and went to the beach whenever the boss was sick, explaining that most jobs weren’t like that because of “personal responsibility.” Some of his other questions during that car ride were: “Is driving hard?” “How do you get tickets for the Olympics?” And, “Can we go through the McDonald’s drive thru?”

So, these are the things on a 13-year-old boy’s mind … at least today.

After a lot of reflection and a bit of research, here are some tips for talking with your teenage son.

Music –Lil’J doesn’t get into U2 with me like he used to. But, even tho’ I’m not crazy about RAP, I let him know when I like a song or an artist. It’s a conversation starter!

Sports – I’m not a huge fan, but when I ask him what’s new in the world of sports, he’ll blab like an expert.

Kiss Goodnight – Lil’J is most talkative when I go into his room right before he falls asleep. This is a time when defenses are down, and sometimes the troubles of the day bubble up and even a teenage boy needs to talk.

Tips Galore from About.com

From Teens Today with Vanessa VanPetten: Her response to "Seven Things You Should Never Say to Your Teen"

Got any tips learned from talking with your teen?